


Coffee For Dos (that's spanish for 2)

by Verimin



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses, Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Crack, F/M, big boobs mcgee walked down the street and steamrolls everyone with the power of family, coffee shop AU, god's mistake, i commissioned this so you better thank me, multiple people die by a car so thats the warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-11
Updated: 2020-03-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:07:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23102974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Verimin/pseuds/Verimin
Summary: god may judge me but his sins outnumber my own
Relationships: Ferdinand von Aegir/Camilla (Fire Emblem)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	Coffee For Dos (that's spanish for 2)

It was a normal morning for Ferdinand von Aegir. He woke up and brushed his fluffy orange hair. It was another ordinary Wednesday for Ferdinand von Aegir. He was going to go to the library and stare at women that aren’t in the same social standing as himself. It’s what he spent every Wednesday doing. This day however he felt as if something was different. Something today was calling to him. Calling him to the coffee shop 2 blocks down the road. The opposite direction of the library. Even though the library had just updated with the latest chapter of Attack on Titan, Ferdinand von Aegir’s favorite manga, he chose to go to the coffee shop. 

It was a quick walk seeing as Ferdinand von Aegir has naturally high speed compared to others around him. He ran into a couple of extremely attractive women but they were the same girls he attempted to woo last week when he last heard the call of the coffee shop. After about 2 1/2 hours he finally reached his destination, “Fates Wasn’t a Bad Game Cafe”. He walked in and took in the regulars. There was that creepy girl who never wore shoes who is hanging out with the pretty blue haired girl. They never acknowledge his presence so he decided to stop talking to them. He walks up to the barista, Tim Curry. Tim Curry nods and proceeds to laugh for a solid 3 minutes straight as he makes Ferdinand von Aegir’s regular, a dark chocolate macchiato with exactly 4 shots of espresso. Just how Ferdinand von Aegir likes. He takes his drinks as he hands Tim Curry thirteen rolls of quarters and goes to find a seat. He decides against sitting with the man in full samurai armor currently talking to a cute shrine girl. Cosplayers always made him uncomfortable due to them lying to the world about how they look. He sits at a table near the window and sets his drink down and goes to the bathroom really quick. Ferdinand von Aegir has had to pee for the last hour and it’s really getting to him. As he returns to his piping hot cup of joe that was more caffeine than coffee he takes a quick glance out the window. A girl he had never seen before is walking to the cafe. It’s bright out and he can’t get a good look at her. As she’s crossing the street a bus full on hits her going at least 60mph. This upsets Ferdinand von Aegir as he returns to his drink. 

Three sips in he realizes that this is not his drink. He heads back up to Tim Curry. It’s been only 5 minutes but Tim Curry is now in full costume from his role as Long John Silver, the main villain for Muppet Treasure Island. Spoiler alert for Muppet Treasure Island: Tim Curry is the lead villain. Tim Curry apologizes profusely and replaces his drink with the correct one and returns to laughing ominously. This time Ferdinand von Aegir took his drink back to his seat only to find it’s been taken by Tim Curry who has somehow not only taken his seat but is now also rehearsing his lines for his upcoming stage production “Tim Curry Isn’t Dead: Stop Tweeting That He Is”. Upset, Ferdinand von Aegir decides to sit with the creepy girl who wears no shoes but both her and the other leave at the sight  
of him. It is a sad day for Ferdinand von Aegir. Until that is. She walks in. 

Camille Bazongas. I don’t know her last name so until proven wrong her last name is Bazongas. I mean LOOK at them. Ferdinand von Aegir is taken back at her stunning grace. She has everything. The big boobs. The big hair. The big axe. Perfect for a man like Ferdinand von Aegir. He watches as she walks up to Tim Curry. Not the one rehearsing his lines for his upcoming stage production “Tim Curry Isn’t Dead: Stop Tweeting That He Is” but the Tim Curry who is currently manning the counter as the barista. She orders her favorite drink. A bowl of melted neapolitan ice cream. Tim Curry hands her her drink as she turns to look for a chair. What luck that both of the previous girls had left and now there are open seats for a guest to sit with Ferdinand von Aegir! Ferdinand von Aegir signals to the big breasted lady and she obliges and sits with him. She sits down and her gigantic jubblies bounce all over the place, almost spilling her drink. She settles those puppies down and looks over at her new acquaintance. 

“I am Ferdinand von Aegir!” Ferdinand von Aegir says excitedly. He reaches his hand out to shake hers. “Hello! I am Camille Bazongas. Nice to-” but before she could finish her sentence. The hand that Ferdinand von Aegir reached out accidentally gets a huge fist full of honkers! This startles the Camille Bazongas. “Excuse you!” She shouts angrily. “I only let family members touch those!”

“Family members? Well that does make things difficult for me, who is Ferdinand von Aegir and not Ferdinand von Bazongas.” Ferdinand von Aegir says, now deep in thought. He turns in his chair to get the attention of the Tim Curry who is currently rehearsing his lines for his upcoming stage production “Tim Curry Isn’t Dead: Stop Tweeting That He Is” and asks Tim Curry a question. 

“Hey Tim Curry, I don’t mean to interrupt you as you rehearse your lines for your upcoming stage production “Tim Curry Isn’t Dead: Stop Tweeting That He Is” but I, Ferdinand von Aegir, have a conundrum I think you are capable of answering because of your distinguished acting career.” Tim Curry puts down his lines that he’s rehearsing for his upcoming stage production “Tim Curry Isn’t Dead: Stop Tweeting That He Is” and looks to Ferdinand von Aegir. “What is it my friend, Ferdinand von Aegir?” Tim Curry asks Ferdinand von Aegir. “Well my big buxomed friend here, Camille Bazongas, says that only family members are allowed to touch her massive friends. Do you know how to figure out this problem?” 

Tim Curry laughed for about 5 minutes before answering the question asked. “Well my friend! The answer is easy! Marry her sister! Family through marriage!” Ferdinand von Aegir smacked his head with his palm. “Of course! Why didn’t I, Ferdinand von Aegir, think of that!” Ferdinand von Aegir turns back to his female friend to now ask her her own question. “My dear. Do you have any sisters?” It took a minute but Camilla Bazongas figured out what he was saying. “Of course! I have 2! One just left here!” Wait. Ferdinand von Aegir thinks for a second. Just left? Well it was either shoeless or blue hair. “Does your sister have blue hair?” Ferdinand von Aegir hoped. “No she has grey hair.” Camilla Bazongas answered. “Aw man.” Ferdinand von Aegir says. “Well hold on. I, Ferdinand von Aegir, will be right back.” He stood up and ran out of the coffee shop to go catch up with the shoeless wonder. 

It didn’t take long because of his high base speed. “Hey miss!” Ferdinand von Aegir called out to get her attention. She stops to turn around and see who is calling out to her. “Would you marry me?” Ferdinand von Aegir yells out.” But before she could answer a truck hit her dead on totally killing her. Rest in pieces. “Well. I’ll take that as a yes.” He rushes back to Camilla Bazongas and tells her the good news. “Good news! I’m now part of your family!” Camilla Bazongas seems overjoyed as she immediately whips out her giant puppies right there for everyone to see as she tackles Ferdinand von Aegir to the ground. It was the best day ever for Ferdinand von Aegir. “Do you two need more coffee?” Tim Curry asks in between laughs. “Coffee for dos.” Ferdinand von Aegir yells out as he slowly suffocates in Camilla Bazongas mammoth mammaries. Sadly that is in fact what happened as just 15 seconds later Ferdinand von Aegir was confirmed dead on arrival. Let this be a lesson to not pursue the teetas of ladies like Ferdinand von Aegir.

**Author's Note:**

> i paid real world money for this. https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/344334732445745154/687184219318910986/unknown.png


End file.
